She hesitates. “You’re…you’re nice?”
he pauses and then makes a small smile, turning over and pressing his face back into her shoulder. “…i…guess that’s…something”
“That does sound really frustrating. But you’re trying, aren’t you?”
She brushes his hair out of his face. “You’re trying, and that’s what matters. I know it’s frustrating, but don’t be sad. You can do some, but not all. No one can do everything.”
“but at least they can do something. what’ve i got under my belt? dont answer that. rhetorical. that was…rhetorical.”
“Why are you upset about that? It’s just soap. No worries.” She squeezes him back.
“But if it’s…the things you do without meaning to, you’re not hurting anyone. You’re just being you. That’s okay. It really is.”
“but it’s not just soap” he releases her, laying back down “it’s…it’s everything.” he breathes a heavy sigh “i dont mean to bring this up. it’s just frustrating. i can’t…i can’t really so anyhting i mean to do, if that makes any sense”
She pats his back and squeezes him. “Affectionate, aren’t you?” she laughs.
She grows quiet, rocking him back and forth, unsure of what to say. He seemed so upset and uncomfortable. “Why aren’t you talking?”
he squeezes her, “im sorry. i dont…mean to act like this. i dont mean to do a lot of the things i do to be honest. i just…cant not. if that makes any sense. i dont expect it to. i cant…really…fix things i dont guess. the soap i mean”
She presses her palm between his shoulderblades and rubs in what she hopes is a soothing way, tilting her head to look at him. “Why sorry? You don’t have to be sorry.”
She extends her arms. “Do you want me to hug you?”
he dosn’t give her an answer but rather leans into and onto her, hugging her back in pressing his face in the crook of her neck.
She removes her hands from his head and rubs his shoulders. “What’s the matter?”
“um, no, it’s nothing, it can’t um…cant really be changed so it doesn’t really matter i’m sorry”
She runs her fingers slowly against his head. “You can try, though. If you have the soap, maybe you can figure things out?”
he looks down, away from her “um…maybe, sure. i’m…sure.” he wrings his hands, eager to get off the subject
She obliged him, scratching his head with both hands. “But now you’re all clean, and I taught you how to clean yourself. You’ll be okay from now on, won’t you?”
he chuckles and leans up into the scratches “if…if i remember, i dont actually learn things very well. it’ll be all, i think i’ll have got it, but then i wont have. not to say i can’t clean myself, i try already as it were. just…probably not…hmm…”
“You’re welcome! You seemed a little…eh.” She ruffled his hair. “But not in a bad way.”
he leaned up into her hand and shook his head. “eh, no, i was pretty gross, you dont have to sugarcoat it.”
“It’s ok.” She rubs her shoulder. “You don’t have to. It’s your business. I can see it bothers you.”
She turns onto her back, thinks for a little bit. “You’re okay, like this. You know that there are parts of your body that aren’t yours. That doesn’t mean you’re ugly, or anything. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have some foreign parts, that’s all.
“it’s…It’s nothing i shouldn’t have even brought it up.” he turns to the side and worries his bottom lip between his teeth, running his hand through his hair. “thank you though, i mean really, i can’t ehm…i can’t actually say the last time i’ve actually been clean.”
